I Was Blindsided By Breastfeeding

Breastfeeding. I could probably write a novel on this topic, but let’s start here…

Before Ben was born, I knew with 100% certainty that I was going to breastfeed. Naively, I thought that as long as I committed to doing it in my mind, it was definitely going to happen. I had asked for breast milk storage bags, nipple balm and a nursing cover on my baby registry, so of course it was going to work out.

I attended one breastfeeding class at the hospital where I delivered prior to my son’s arrival. As nice as the instructor, a certified lactation consultant, was – I’ll never forget what she said to our group of (mostly first-time) expectant mothers: “Everyone can breastfeed.” As if it was a choice, and that simple. And that was all the formal preparation I had.

I wish I had better educated myself about breastfeeding prior to attempting it because I was ignorantly unaware of what was to come. I truly wish someone had warned me about how hard it was going to be so that I could have mentally prepared myself – which is why I’m detailing my own experience here. I’ve talked to other mom friends and many of us have mutually agreed that breastfeeding has been the most difficult part of new motherhood. Here’s why:

The pain. I should first disclose that not everyone experiences horrible pain when breastfeeding for the first time, but based on my own conversations with other breastfeeding moms, it’s [unfortunately] pretty common. Personally, I have never felt worse agony in my entire life. To say “it hurt badly” is the understatement of the century. I was in so much pain that I dreaded each nursing session, which by the way, occurs every 2-3 hours with a newborn baby, and lasts for months.

One particularly rough night when I was bawling my eyes out, my husband did get me to crack a smile (and possibly a laugh) when he hooked a couple of chip clips to his nipples in an attempt to “feel my pain” and lift my spirits. It worked!

For me, I’d say the worst part was that there wasn’t a clear end in sight. Giving birth also hurts, but you know it’s going to end at some point. Every day I found myself Googling, “When does the pain of breastfeeding stop?” In all, it took 5 weeks for Ben and I to figure it out. 5 weeks of pure agony, of moments when I either wanted to vomit or pitch myself out of a window, but then the pain stopped – literally from one day to the next. We had made it over the hump.

No breaks. Another challenge of breastfeeding is how utterly exhausting it is. Particularly when you’re exclusively breastfeeding (which may or may not include pumping), you literally must do one or the other every 2 hours (in my case), all day every day. For months, I lived my life in those 2 hour increments, feeling more lonely than ever before. I mentioned the need to pump prior to exercise in my last post, but in general found that breastfeeding made getting back out there even more challenging, due to the high frequency of feedings and the very little “free time” between each.

Taking cover. I’ve always been self-conscious about breastfeeding in public and around other people, so for me, it was always essential to figure out a place or way I could privately feed Ben when we went out anywhere. I’d literally plan our outings so that there was a breastfeeding-friendly stop or option somewhere in the equation (shout out to the Nordstrom at Merrick Park and BuyBuyBaby – both of which have WONDERFUL breastfeeding areas for moms). This nursing cover was also a game-changer, allowing me the freedom to get out and about while also being able to breastfeed Ben literally everywhere.

The pressure. Honestly, no one that mattered to me ever put direct pressure on me to exclusively breastfeed. The only real pressure came from within. I felt absolutely obligated to follow thorough, and that quitting was not an option. Sometimes I wonder if that first month would have been a lot better (and less stressful) if I’d just given up and moved on. I honestly don’t know if I would have done anything differently if I could go back, but I do hope to give myself more grace the next time around.

Because of the many hurdles I experienced, I’m extremely proud to say we’ve nearly made it to our goal of one full year, with only 3 weeks to go. I can’t say I’ve ever been in love with breastfeeding like some people, but I do enjoy those sweet and cuddly moments with my son, particularly when he first gets up in the morning. Breastfeeding also calms Ben down 99% of the time when he wakes up crying, gets hurt or is hungry when we’re out somewhere (and I haven’t brought any other food) – so it’s been a lifesaver at times, and for that I’m thankful.

How did your breastfeeding journey go? Whether it lasted for less than a day or for years, I’d love to hear about it!