How Our NICU Experience Shifted My Rigid Breastfeeding Expectations

Prior to being discharged from the hospital after Ben was born, he had to pass a variety of health checks to ensure he was healthy enough to leave. After passing all tests at normal levels, the bilirubin test was administered, which primarily checks for infant jaundice. Although his levels were slightly higher than normal, we were permitted to leave and were discharged with a biliblanket, a phototherapy device which uses blue light to treat the condition. We were instructed to keep him on the blanket around the clock, and to re-check his levels the following day with the pediatrician.

Unfortunately, our visit with the pediatrician the following day confirmed that Ben was not recovering, and in fact was deteriorating. The call we received from our doctor wasn’t anything a new parent wanted to hear, in that we were told to pack our things and head back to the hospital, specifically to the emergency room.

Upon arrival to the ER, and after putting him through yet another blood test (a prick and squeeze to the heel), we were told that he was going to have to be admitted to the NICU to get this under control, as at this point his level was dangerously high.

Important side note for context: Up until this point, Ben was exclusively breastfed (detailed in more depth here), as I was absolutely dead set on figuring it out and committing to it for a year. Interestingly, one of the major risk factors for jaundice is breastfeeding, as dehydration or a low caloric intake can be a catalyst.

I can’t confirm this, but one of my biggest fears and early failures is not knowing whether he was getting enough to eat, and if not, that I had unknowingly starved him in some way which contributed to all this. Had I given him formula, could we have avoided this entirely? I’ll never know.

As soon Ben was admitted to the NICU, he was placed into an enclosed bed and surrounded by bright lights (phototherapy) to help break down the bilirubin. Every 3 hours the nurses would feed him formula supplemented with pumped breast milk, as his nutrition intake (in ounces) needed to be carefully monitored.

As initially disappointed as I was about my failure to breastfeed properly, my husband and I were both onboard and comfortable with the refreshed realization that getting Ben to health was far more important than teaching him to latch. With a heavy heart, I abandoned breastfeeding for the time being.

There was one nurse in particular that I’ll never forget, or be able to fully thank for her kind and gentle encouragement during this trying time. She knew how badly I wanted to succeed with breastfeeding, along with my reluctance to pump so early on, as the typical recommendation is to wait at least a month. She told us about her own experience with one of her children, whereby she also had to supplement for a short period before reverting back to breastfeeding, and that the switch back to breast was totally possible.

Her encouraging words, along with the quality time she spent with us throughout our stay lifted my spirits during that difficult weekend, and renewed my hope that we too would be able to get Ben back to breastfeeding after we were discharged.

She was right.

Back home, we continued to supplement for about a week to ensure Ben was back on track for weight gain and recovery. Slowly but surely, we stopped giving him formula, and got him back on the breast – where he’s happily stayed for 13, going on 14 months now.

I’m sharing our experience in the hopes that other parents who have or will go through something similar will be comforted by how positive our NICU experience was, but also in knowing that it’s okay when things don’t go quite as planned, and that there’s not just one way or progression that’s right or wrong for your baby. By being open to change and adapting, we got through this and came out even better on the other end.

How did your expectations for breastfeeding shift or adapt with time or situation?