As I continue to reflect back on my first year as a mother, I often pause to think about what I should, could or would have done differently along the way. But honestly, while there are definitely missteps I might correct along the way, my son has already developed into a delightfully happy, curious and active little boy – so I must be doing something right.
If I could go back and give a pep talk to myself right after Ben was born, I would just say, “be kind to yourself.” Here’s how and why:
Filter advice about caring for your baby; more often than not, YOU actually do know what’s best! There are an infinite number of sources that claim to be experts on all areas of parenting. While some of them may be wonderful and helpful, take advice as a gentle guide rather than a rigid process you feel compelled to follow – or ignore it all together if it doesn’t appeal to or work for you! There are a million and one ways to raise a baby, and no one way is necessarily better than another.
Case in point – our pre-baby classes were very unforgiving about abiding by the following: 1) Don’t give formula if you’ve chosen to exclusively breastfeed 2) Don’t pump or give a bottle or pacifier for the first month.
Guess what? We did all of those things in the first week of Ben’s life and he didn’t suffer remotely as a result. As I touch on in a previous post about our NICU experience, the second we got to the hospital, he was administered a [bottle] of formula, I was given a hospital-grade pump to supplement, and they popped a pacifier into his mouth so fast I didn’t even have an opportunity to respond – not that I would have anyways, but it’s interesting how rapidly those guidelines fell flat – and we were both totally okay with it.
Give yourself grace – you ARE doing a good job. I think it’s easy to nitpick parenting skills in the early days, especially the first time around when none of us really knows what we’re doing. Why didn’t I do this, why wasn’t I more prepared for that, etc. However, in looking back, no one or thing could have prepared me for navigating many of the situations that many new parents face, and honestly, who cares that I may have failed here and there along the way?
It doesn’t make me (or anyone else) any less of a parent, and in fact, I think being aware of one’s missteps makes us better parents, as it allows us to naturally evolve and improve as we go! So, don’t get down on yourself for not being ‘perfect’ – no one is – but what you are perfect at is parenting your child, because no one can do it better than you.
Focus on the beautiful things about your postpartum body. There (still) are many times I cringe when I look in the mirror at the vast ways my body has changed from pregnancy and birth. I hate to say that because it sounds bad, or like I’m ungrateful in some way, but it’s the truth.
I exercised and worked hard my entire adult life for the body I used to have, and to see my new self (and size) is definitely disappointing in some ways. As much as it might suck at times, it is what it is, and this is my new normal for now – which I actually say to myself quite often!
This body carried and gave birth to the most beautiful thing I’ve ever created, so I’d prefer to (and have to, for my own mental health) see the good, like how far I have come in this past year, and the strides I’m making to keep myself fit and healthy right now.
New motherhood is one of the hardest, but most beautiful experiences I’ve ever had up to this point – it’s been filled with gut-wrenching anxiety and fear of failure, but also some of the most happiness and joy I never even knew existed. Riding the ups and downs is simply part of that experience, so I’m hoping that if new moms take anything away from this, it’s simply to trust your own instincts, embrace the challenges / see the good and love yourself the way that you are.
What advice would you give to your former self on becoming a parent for the first time?